It’s NFL playoff push time and Bears fans must be wondering (or cursing under their breath) how a a young squad seemingly loaded for a Super Bowl run that was 12-4 last season finds itself struggling for just a shot at a wild card berth.
Will they make it? All you need to do is get in and there’s a chance for a miracle (see Eli Manning owning two Super Bowl wins over Satan Devilichick and the Cheatriots). So, with that in mind, here are five reasons to be excited for the remainder of the season and five reasons to load up on the Malort.
The Bears will make the playoffs (Bear down!):
1 – Alabama now has two losses, so if the Bears decide to become NCAA eligilbe there’s probably going to be a spot open that they have occupied since World War II ended.
2 – They’re on a roll playing second and third string QBs lately and it’s cold and flu season. Our expert guess is Aaron Rodgers has been so busy making State Farm commercials he’s neglected to get his flu shot and will spend the remainder of the season in the blue sideline tent eating chicken noodle soup and vomiting with a bug.
3 – The Football Gods (Vince Lombardi, George Halas and Al Davis) owe us a little miracle after last year’s double doink.
4 – Khalil Mack is due for a three- or four-game streak of Quentin Tarantino-level violence and destruction that renders defeated opponents crying and spending the night in their showers.
The Bears will be home for the playoffs (Bears down … ):
1 – Do you think they’re better than the current wild card leaders, Minnesota or Seattle? No? Neither do we.
2 – Sure they beat the Lions on Thanksgiving Day, but the sad sack Lions were even sadder sackers than usual as they started a 3rd string Browns reject at QB who was only on the roster after Matthew Stafford’s back finally gave out (and it took a last-minute TD to clinch the “W”).
3 – Mitchell Mitchell Mitchell. You can’t live with him, you can’t cut him, and you can’t go back in time and draft DeShaun Watson or Patrick Mahomes.
4 – Both Pete Rose and recently suspended for gambling on football, Cardinal CB Josh Shaw, both bet on the Bears to win the Super Bowl. As a friend of ours, “Sausage Fingers Tony” always said, if you’re good at illegal gambling you never get caught. These guys are not good at gambling.
5 – The Curse of Robbie Gould is real and will make the Cubs 108-year wait seem like just a long weekend.