The Cubs’ path to the NLCS just got a bit easier after Nationals’ superstar, Bryce Harper, was scratched from the lineup for Game 4 Tuesday after sustaining a shower-related injury in which he used shampoo that didn’t contain conditioner.
Harper, whose Fabio-like hair is the source of all of his baseball talent, says that the accident occurred at the team hotel in Chicago, where he claims he was not supplied the necessary hygienic and styling products he requires.
“I have a very strict routine,” said a dull, flat-haired Harper. “First I turn on the shower, and then a hair flip. Get my hair wet, hair flip. Shampoo my hair, hair flip. Conditioner, hair flip. If Chicago can’t provide me what I need to perform at my very best, then I don’t know if I can ever see myself becoming a Cub in my career.”
Harper was brought into a local Chicago salon for an emergency perm, which his stylist says was a great success. Harper is questionable for the rest of the playoffs, as he begins his rehab stint tying his hair into a man bun before he can resume hair-flipping activities.
Don’t listen to the claims on the shampoo bottles; there will certainly be tears in Washington after this devastating blow.