In the middle of an 8-game losing streak and sitting in the bowels of the AL Central, the White Sox front office has decided to move on from the failed Robin Ventura era, and have named 1990s pet detective, Ace Ventura, as the new manager.

Ventura, who has no managerial experience, says that he is confident he can turn this team of “la-hoo-sa-hers” around, despite having a lineup that consists of less scoring than an Axe body spray soaked teen at a middle school dance.

“Alllllllllrightythen,” opened Ventura at his press conference. “We’re gonna do a complete overhaul of this team. First things first, Hawk Harrelson will be our new starting catcher because his nickname is a bird, and I love birds. Also, with Hawk’s extensive knowledge and a deep respect of every umpire in the entire league, I’m sure he can get us favorable calls behind the dish.”

Staying true to his unorthodox ways, Ventura also plans on trading away Adam LaRoche and Adam Eaton, but will keep their beards under their current contract.

While the Adams’ beards will take over in center and designated hitter, Paul Konerko’s left field statue will alternate with Jose Abreu at first base and the stone pony himself, Steve Stone, will take over for John Danks after his left arm was bitten off by Ventura’s pet alligator.

Looking to be as involved with the team as possible, Ventura will also play the role of third base coach, where all signs will be given from his butt.

Shingo TaCatsu