Less than 24 hours after their stunning loss to Wisconsin in the Final Four, the University of Kentucky’s entire roster of scholarship players as well as two ball boys have declared for June’s NBA draft. All have hired agents and therefore will not be eligible to return to school. Coach John Calipari was unfazed by the mass defections.

“I was told that Ulis and Lyles had stopped attending their Physical Recreation course in February, so I realized at that point that they could very well be one and done,” said Calipari. “Those two ball kids, however, could probably have used another year in school, but they’re sure to find gainful employment in the NBA D League.”

Twins Aaron and Andrew Harrison, who shocked the college basketball world last year by staying at Kentucky through their sophomore year, declared for the NBA exactly 16 seconds after the final buzzer this time around.

“F@#& college and especially that Frank Kaminsky,” Andrew Harrison said under his breath during the post-game handshake line. “I can’t wait to be a 2nd round NBA draft pick.”

Jeremy Barewin