Following a season-opening loss to the San Francisco 49ers, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’ face was stuck in the frown position, and according to World Health Organization officials, there’s nothing they can do about it.
“After much calculation, we’ve determined there is simply not enough Botox in the world to fix what ails Mr. Jones,” said a spokesman for the global health agency. “It’s unclear if surgery would even be able to reverse the cumulative effects of owning the Cowboys at this point.”
Jones, who frequently goes under the knife or receives chemical injections to fight aging and the appearance of perpetual sadness, was optimistic.
“Look, I’ll just buy up all the Botox and see how it goes,” he said. “It’s the same way I run my team — ignore actual experts and just throw a bunch of money at the problem. It has to work out better than my draft picks, right?”