After viewing a recent “60 Minutes” episode demonstrating that some PEDs can be taken as late as the fifth inning of a game and completely dissipate by the end of the game, Major League Baseball announced it will begin testing players for performance-enhancing drugs during games this season.
Each team will be required to build a testing lab in the park to hold game delays to a minimum. The White Sox have already began construction of a state-of-the-art testing lab which will replace right field upper deck sections 506 and 507, where no fan has sat since the 2005 season.
“We feel that we can get results in 30-40 minutes, depending on the player’s bladder” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf.
As part of the new “challenge” rule, managers will be allowed a maximum of three PED challenges during a game. Motorized “specimen-collection modules” will be driven to the player to be tested on the field.
“These won’t be your common jobsite Porta Potties,” said baseball commissioner Bud Selig. “They will be totally tricked-out and have team logos and portraits of players who have previously passed the test emblazoned on the front and sides. Kinda like a movable Hall of Fame exhibit.
“We want the fans to enjoy this new part of the game as much as, say, the traditional Seventh Inning Stretch.”
Some close to the game had their doubts.
“What happens when a manager sends in a pinch-hitter or relief pitcher after a failed test?” asked longtime Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson.
“Any player entering the game to replace a failed test-taker will also have to be tested.” Selig answered. “This may increase the length of the delay somewhat, but in no case should it exceed 2 hours, a small price to pay to uphold the integrity of the game. Imagine the pride fans will have when their favorite player tests clean, even if he strikes out with the bases loaded afterwards. And these tests will be foolproof, unless the player is taking a masking agent or using some sort of new PED we don’t yet have a test for. But what are the odds of that?”
Test results will be included in daily box scores as well as on the back of all Topps player cards starting in 2015