When Americans weren’t searching the internet for near-naked pics of Miley Cyrus twerking, some of them were reading the unbelievable sports news brought to you by your friends The Heckler. Not surprisingly, Americans mostly wanted to hear about the Blackhawks, Bulls and Bears. And the Blackhawks some more.

1: Kane arrested for indecent exposure after misinterpreting media’s ‘streak’ question

Blackhawks forward and notorious party animal Patrick Kane made news on and off the ice today, as he pushed his team over the top against Detroit, then was promptly arrested for streaking after what he termed a “simple misunderstanding, bro.”

2: Report: David Stern forced Derrick Rose to fake injury as unofficial suspension for gambling

Sources within the NBA Commissioners office have leaked documents which show that Derrick Rose’s knee injury that kept him off the court for the duration of the 2012-2013 season was faked as an unofficial suspension for the former MVP’s reckless gambling addiction.

3: Blackhawks crush Heat 124-56 in exhibition basketball game

After endless debate in the media about whether the streaking Chicago Blackhawks or red-hot Miami Heat are the superior team, the matter was settled Tuesday morning during an exhibition basketball game in which the Hawks trounced the Heat by 68 points.

4: Kane meets newest girlfriend on ChristianMingle.com

Notorious ladies man Patrick Kane today reported that he’s in a brand-new relationship with a woman he met while browsing online dating site ChristianMingle.com.

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6: NHL informs Blackhawks they’re allowed to shoot puck during power plays

Even though they’re behind 2-1 in the Stanley Cup Finals, the Blackhawks have just received some very important information from the NHL: They are actually allowed to shoot the puck while on the power play.

7: Hungover Crawford asking everyone what time victory parade starts

Corey Crawford woke up Saturday morning with a massive headache that he hoped wouldn’t prevent him from attending the Blackhawks victory parade.

8: NBA replaces logo with silhouette of LeBron flopping

David Stern announced this weekend that the NBA’s iconic logo will be replaced with an image LeBron James in an all-too famous pose, flopping away trying to draw a foul.