Astrologists analyzing the Mayan calendar have determined the world will only end next week if the Green Bay Packers beat the Chicago Bears on Sunday. The revelation has rocked both the sports and pagan communities.

“We uncovered a link between mass celebrations in the land of the frozen tundra and a cataclysmic earthquake that could trigger the apocalypse,” said Mesoamerican expert Donald Benson. “We also believe the amount of sheer desperation and panic in the greater Chicagoland area could portend horrible things for global infrastructure.”

Added Benson: “The Mayans were very clear that if the green and gold prevail, the world will not be worth living in, and the Earth will be consumed in a fiery Armageddon that lasts a thousand years. Very similar to that Roland Emmerich movie, only far less lame.”