The Big Ten announced on Monday that they will be adding Maryland to the conference.

“My cousin Gary [Bettman] thought it was a good idea,” said conference commissioner Jim Delaney.

Any astute individual will notice this turns the Big Ten into a 13-team conference, complete with uneven divisions. To balance things out, the Big Ten has decided to add Coastal Carolina to the mix to try to get more media attention from the east coast.

When asked to point to Carolina on a map, Delaney covered his ears and began yelling, “I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you.”

The move to add Coastal has led some to wonder about the mental well-being of the commissioner.

“Penn State made about as much sense as the current ones, but it worked out well since they had the same football culture,” said University of Illinois professor Bob Paxton. “Even Nebraska made sense, but Maryland … Coastal Carolina?!”

Paxton then went to throw himself off of the tallest building he could find, saying, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

The Big Ten is also in negotiations with Hawaii and Illinois Wesleyan for their entrance to the league.

“Well, we want to have as big a footprint on the country as possible so as to get the most out of TV deals, ” said Urban Meyer, who was very supportive of the moves.

The conference that was once seen as a paragon of athletic and academic excellence is now reduced to a national joke. This decline has been matched perfectly with the tenure of Delaney.