Shortly after causing a stir earlier this week by saying Miami Heat players would have to “hit the deck too” in future Eastern Conference Finals games, Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo amended his statement to say that his team simply had to play a hard physical game, and added that this could be achieved through various means, including “setting fire to the Miami locker room and locking the doors from the inside.”

Rondo clarified his remarks, telling the media, “Obviously, you wouldn’t want to be dirty about it, but we’re gonna have to play a much more physical game. That could include anything from making sure they don’t get a clear lane to the basket without getting knocked down, or it could entail lighting a few rags soaked in kerosine and tossing it into the players’ locker room before shutting the door and sealing it shut with a bike lock. Really, anything to slow down their offense is fair game.”

“We just can’t give up easy lay-ups,” Rondo added. “We also need to remember that dropping a few chlorine tabs in a bucket of ammonia by the ventilation system is key. You know, it’s all about playing quality basketball.”

Heat superstar LeBron James deflected Rondo’s comments, saying, “Listen, basketball is a physical game. I go into each game knowing it could end with me getting knocked to the floor while driving the lane, or crawling on the ground to avoid smoke inhalation until fire personnel arrive to extinguish our locker room. It doesn’t change how I’m going to prepare for the game.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith