As Fenway Park commemorated its 100th anniversary last weekend, Red Sox Nation’s adulation turned to horror on Saturday when their beloved BoSox took the enthusiastic crowd on a metaphorical trip back to 1912 and reenacted what appeared to be their own spontaneous interpretation of the voyage of the ill-fated Titanic.
Embarking on a great adventure for a lovely spring day, the Sox were sailing along carefree into the sixthinning with a comfortable 9-0 lead, when things turned suddenly wrong as the Sox encountered certain peril in the form of their perennial rival, the New York Yankees. Just as the events unfolded onboard the world’s greatest luxury liner that fateful night in 1912, the team initially believed there was nothing to worry about after giving up a single score on Mark Texiera’s “innocent little bump” of a home run.
However, that was just the tip of the iceberg. Within minutes, the hapless Sox saw that their feeble attempts to bail water were in vain when Texiera was joined by teammate Nick Swisher in tearing a bigger hole in the hull of the Boston pitching staff, who ultimately were sunk by a score of 15-9.
“I thought it was strange that instead of playing ‘Sweet Caroline’ during the SeventhInning Stretch, they played ‘Nearer My God To Thee,’” said a confused David Ortiz, whose heroic multi-RBI game could not save his desperate, flailing teammates in the imploding bullpen.
Manager Bobby Valentine, cast in the role of Captain Edward Smith, seemed to willingly accept his fate by contritely doffing his cap and smiling sheepishly to the booing crowd as things went from bad to worse in the seventhand eighthinnings. He later admitted to the press that his team had “hit bottom.”
After the game, Kevin Youkilis, already the subject of controversial comments made by Valentine earlier in the week, was furious with Valentine’s casual, non-chalant attitude.
“Bobby Vee get louder ‘OOOOs’ from crowd than Youk,” grunted Youkilis. “Make Youk upset … you no like Youk get upset … Youk want chicken and beer, now!”
Other key players included Dustin Pedroia as the despicable, cowardly White Star executive J. Bruce Ismay who abandoned ship while pushing women and children overboard in order to save himself. Pedroia/Ismay was heard to mutter “That’s not how we do things around here,” as he slithered out a side entrance to avoid questions from the crushing media after the disastrous event that had started out with such promise and optimism.
Even opposing manager Joe Girardi was completely nonplussed in his post-game interview.
“I didn’t understand myself what was happening at first,” said Girardi. “I mean, I’m trying to manage my team, and I start getting these weird ‘S.O.S.’ calls by someone in the Sox’ dugout incoherently begging for somebody named Carpathia. I just don’t get it; this is baseball, for crying out loud.”
Mercifully, the Sox were spared further horrors with the help of a powerful Nor’easter that drowned out the rest of the weekend’s planned festivities.