Magic Johnson has wasted little time in trying to turn around his recently acquired L.A Dodgers. He is attempting to lure his former Lakers head coach Pat Riley as general manager. Johnson seeks out Riley not for his baseball prowess or lack thereof, but rather his ability to bring a certain culture and swag to the teams he runs.

“Playing under Pat Riley was the highlight of my professional career,” Johnson said fondly. “He was the reason we became the ‘Showtime Lakers’ and won championships. Now I need him to build the ‘Showtime Dodgers’ and win another title.”

Riley’s knowledge of baseball stems from his own father’s lengthy minor league baseball career. Having played football and basketball at Kentucky, Riley feels he’s well-positioned for a successful reign as Dodgers GM.

“I’ve been surrounded by every major sport throughout my life,” Riley said. “That’s how I know the ins and outs of seeking the best players and making sure they perform at the top. I can take a Carl Crawford from the Red Sox and make him the James Worthy or Alonzo Mourning of my outfield.”

A few stumbling blocks are currently holding up any potential deal. A written agreement is being worked out between Riley and Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra that would place all blame for any potential Heat failure on Spoelstra’s shoulders only and disregard any Riley absence during the season. A sit-down meeting with actor Michael Douglas in L.A has been requested, to ensure only Riley is sporting the Gordon Gekko haircut that caused so much confusion in 1987 with many L.A residents confusing the coach for the Oscar-winning actor

John Jenzeh