Despite the current NBA season being well under way, Los Angeles native and lifelong Lakers fan Nick Torres refuses to stop bitching about how good the Lakers would be had David Stern not vetoed the three-way trade sending Paul to the purple and gold nearly two months ago.
“Do you understand how good Bynum would be? ” asked Torres. “It would be 20 and 15 every night, no question. Kobe could rest the entire fourth quarter, or go to Germany or whatever. Pau would, oh wait, they wouldn’t have Pau anymore. Those other white guys, Kapono and what’s him name, the Irish-sounding guy, they’d be raining threes!”
While most NBA fans agree that Stern’s intervention overstepped his authority, Torres has taken the decision extra hard, going so far as to say the 45 minutes between the announcement of the Paul deal and the commissioner’s veto were better than any sex he’s had this year.
“Oh, without a doubt,” said Torres. “I’m not ashamed to admit I almost cried. From now on I’m referring to Stern as The Broken Condom, as in everything was going great, and then the condom broke.”
Further adding insult to injury, Torres later went on to say the Josh McRoberts signing was also probably better than any sex he had this year.
“Yeah, my stats were down this year,” Torres admitted. “After the Mavs sweep I didn’t even think about sex for almost a month. Getting lit up by J.J. Barea and Peja Stojakovic will do that.”
Marred by bitterness, sarcasm, and dizzying non sequiturs, Torres’ long-winded rant eventually devolved into delusion and conspiratorial paranoia.
“It’s the Laker haters, man, and Michael Jordan,” said Torres. “They don’t want Kobe to get that 6th ring. Did I mention all the open looks Steve Blake would get? The whole thing is like unconstitutional or something. I mean seriously, you put CP3 and Kobe in the same backcourt and everyone’s getting laid.”