As red-blooded American males gear up for the conference championship rounds of the NFL postseason, other attention-starved sports are doing their best to gain the viewership of the coveted demographic of men aged 18 to 36. No sport has felt the attention drift more than women’s tennis—currently kicking off the Australian Open.

In an effort to improve ratings of an otherwise mind-numbing sport, the No. 1-ranked woman in the world Caroline Wozniacki has promised to lure more male viewers by offering more grunts and moans per match.

“Let’s face it,” a panting Wozniacki said after her last practice round in Melbourne, “I know guys aren’t watching because of my 103 mph serve or my killer backhand. They’re hoping one of these sweater puppies bounces out of my shirt or that I forgot to wear my lollipop today.”

Noting the visual effects of Wozniacki’s body coupled with what some may say are orgasmic moans and grunts, behavioral scientists have concluded that men do watch women’s tennis from time to time—but for purely animalistic and sexual reasons.

Twenty-two-year-old Brandon Johnson of Kalamazoo, Mich., lends to the theory.

“Dude, I was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings on a Tuesday afternoon last week,” said Johnson. “There was absolutely nothing on except women’s tennis. I started watching. I asked the waitress to turn up the sound, and that’s when I heard Wozniacki moaning with every stroke of her racket.”

A flustered Johnson wiped off his brow and continued. “I thought that restaurant just got Skinamax! I paid my bill and ran straight home.”

Understanding the same may be true for men’s tennis as star player Rafael Nadal has pledged to switch from wearing women’s Capri pants to a much more revealing Speedo.

“I really think I’m on to something,” said Nadal in front of at least five overweight Spanish grandmothers.

Manny L. Scoreboard