MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has settled the ongoing dispute of compensation for Theo Epstein. According to Selig, the Red Sox will have a new assistant groundskeeper Alfonso Soriano and the Cubs will have a new “giving up the long ball threat” in John Lackey.

“I am so excited,” said head groundskeeper Keith Graham. “To get that kind of knowledge about the ivy is priceless. Every time I watched a Cubs game, I would see Soriano digging in and sprucing up the foliage.”

Keith mentioned that the Red Sox would attempt to grow ivy on the historic Green Monster.

“I know it was usually his fault that he was in the ivy due to bad angles, and just not being able to field the position, but he has the knowledge, and that’s the most important part.”

When asked how the Red Sox could afford the salary of Soriano to just tend the ivy, Mr. Graham said that he was only paying Soriano $10 an hour, as the Cubs would be eating the other $53.85 million over the next three years.

Epstein was reported to be excited to see Soriano leave since he was going to cut him anyway as part of the new look “who the heck is left” Cubs team he is building. However, a source close to Epstein said he is now having trouble sleeping due to the fact that the Lackey contract was one of his main reasons for leaving Boston.

Commisoner’s office spokeswoman Penny Bradley said that the Lackey part of the settlement was just to humor Selig.

“He always wanted to see someone’s home run hit the historic Cubs scoreboard, and with the right circumstances and if the Tommy John rehab goes as well as planned, it could happen in John’s first start in Wrigley in 2013.”