David Stern announced a five-game suspension for Kobe Bryant Monday after the Lakers star wore what Stern called “ugly-ass kicks” against the Bulls Sunday afternoon.

“When I turned on the TV I thought my picture needed adjusting,” said Stern, taking a page from Roger Goodell’s book and punishing a player for wearing inappropriate footwear. “Neon green and purple? Does Kobe think he’s a Fly Girl wearing those ugly-ass kicks?”

Stern added that he was hoping the shoes were part of a bit for the new “In Living Color” TV series but was disappointed when not one Wayans sibling appeared to reveal the prank.

“Those Wayans kids always crack me up,” said Stern. “I would have let Kobe slide if those shoes were a tie-in to that show, but since they weren’t he’s going to be sitting for the next five games. Luckily for Kobe, with the way we packed the schedule he’ll be able to return to the court by the weekend.”