In a press conference announcing the hiring of Bobby Valentine as the new Red Sox manager Wednesday, GM Ben Cherington revealed the true reason the club decided to bring on the veteran skipper.

“With the team’s cataclysmic performance in September, it will take at least a year to wipe away that shame. I don’t know a guy in that clubhouse who’s not embarrassed to the core,” said Cherington. “That’s why we’ve asked Bobby V to instill his famous mustache routine for our whole team. Then the team can hide their embarrassment and still continue to under-perform next season. Brilliant!”

Valentine said the Red Sox were sending him back to his former home of Japan to pick up a huge shipment of fake ‘staches.

“I don’t know,” Valentine said. “I guess it just kind of worked out. Ben called and asked what I was doing next year. I told him I planned on giving crappy analysis for ESPN again. He then gave me an address for this mustache manufacturer, and told me I was the new manager. Crazy, huh?”

Most notably excited about the hire was the Red Sox pitching staff. Said an excited Josh Beckett, “Nothing makes a better beer coozie slash wet nap than a fake moustache when you’re sitting in the clubhouse drinking and playing video games!”

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