The Cubs secured the first free agent of the Theo Epstein era Wednesday, signing A’s outfielder David DeJesus to a two-year, $10 million contract, enabling the team’s new president to cross off one item on his to-do list.

“See, it says right here ‘Sign a .240 hitter’ and I’ve now got that covered,” said Epstein. “Tackling this list will get a little tougher from here on out.”

Also on Epstein’s list are tasks like “Unload Soriano’s contract,” “Keep Carlos Zambrano from going crazy,” “Sign Fielder and/or Pujols,” “Trade for 3 Cy Young caliber pitchers,” and “Figure out where the urine smell in Wrigley Field is coming from.” Epstein said he wanted to knock the easy stuff off first.

“At Yale they taught me to start the marathon with your easiest first step,” said Epstein. “And securing a .240 hitter was definitely the low-hanging fruit. Now if I could just reel in a few top-flight starting pitchers will be onto something.”