Upon witnessing Ndamukong Suh’s stomp and resulting ejection from Thursday’s Detroit-Green Bay matchup, league officials were planning to suspend the Lions defensive tackle. But after Suh’s postgame explanation of the incident, the NFL has decided to apologize to Suh instead.

“We didn’t realize you were just trying to get up by repeatedly smashing that player’s head into the ground, then jamming your cleats into his arm,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “We’re so sorry you got ejected for that obvious attempt to regain your balance. In fact, we plan to fire the entire officiating crew, as well as the camera men who clearly filmed the incident incorrectly to give the impression you were being a dirty thug.”

The league has also decided to give Lions coach Jim Schwartz an award for running the cleanest, most honest organization in sports.

Heckler George