The Jets fell to 5-5 on the season after a last-minute loss to Tim Tebow’s Broncos Thursday night, and Rex Ryan believes a higher power may have had something to do with it. As a result, the outspoken head coach held a closed-door team meeting after the game where he ordered his entire team to attend mass on Sunday.
“Bless us Father for we have sinned,” screamed Ryan in a post game press conference. “I keep yapping, and they keep making me look bad, I’ve had it with this team. I’ve had it, God damn it.”
Ryan expressed his disdain with the team’s performance before commanding the mandatory attendance at St. Xavier’s 7 a.m. mass Sunday.
“I’m hoping the big man upstairs remembers that these guys are also his children,” Ryan added. “If God can will that pantywaist Tebow to a win, we might as well try to get him and Mark on speaking terms.”
Ryan went on to take some more jabs at his quarterback by calling him “a less-talented Wilmer Valderrama.”
Sanchez was visibly upset by the comments, but knew they were well-deserved. He agreed that seeking some divine intervention might just be what he needs to turn the season around.
“I won’t lie, I haven’t been to Church since my friend Titsy’s wedding, and I was six deep by the time they did the vows,” said Sanchez. “That genuflecting stuff is working for Tim so what the hell, right? Wait, not hell, don’t write that.”
Ryan closed the press conference by stating he will seek outside help from one of those “fruity holistic healers,” if the Jets don’t win their next game, but will get down on a knee and pray it doesn’t come to that.