Penn State announced late Wednesday night that fired head coach Joe Paterno will be replaced by a 75-year-old man named Stanley Burdette who worked as a greeter at a State College Wal-Mart until he retired last month.

“Unfortunately, Coach Paterno had to go,” said John Surma, the Vice Chairman of Penn State’s board of trustees. “And it’s time for a youth movement here, which is why we’ve decided to bring in Stanley to run our football program effective immediately.”

Burdette said he planned to pick up right where Paterno left off.

“From what I gather, JoePa was nothing but a figurehead the last couple decades, rarely making any football-related decisions and instead piping in occasionally with folksy one-liners,” said Burdette, who cut his introductory press conference short adding, “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to practice because the will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.”