Coming off allegations that three Red Sox pitchers routinely drank beer in the dugout during games this season, the Cubs today announced plans aimed at imitating the successful formula that helped Boston end its long World Series drought.
“Starting next season we will have a keg of beer placed at second base, to help players stay both hydrated and relaxed during the heat of what we hope will be a very competitive summer,” said new President Theo Epstein. “With the slow pace of today’s game, there should be plenty of time for our guys to chug one or two cold ones in between pitches. I imagine the quality of the chatter will improve too.”
Several Cubs players wholeheartedly endorsed the move.
“I think it’s super,” said Tony Campana, who will likely have to flash an ID before umpires will serve him. “Success is all about confidence, right? And who isn’t more confident with a major beer buzz?”
“Let’s face it, all the fans are pretty well crocked by the third inning anyway, so maybe if we join the fun we’ll play a little better,” said Darwin Barney. “Of course we actually have to reach second base before we can grab a frosty brew, which could be an issue for most of us.”
Plans call for a retractable tap line that will rise up from beneath the base, which will be deactivated when the opposing team is at bat so as not to drain the keg completely by the third inning.