Earlier this week Carlos Zambrano announced he does not plan on retiring as he previously indicated and wishes to remain on the Cubs.  Upon hearing of Zambrano’s attempted un-retirement, Brett Favre chartered a flight to Chicago to coach Zambrano on how to properly retire and subsequently un-retire.

“Carlos made a few rookie mistakes early in his ongoing retirement saga,” said Favre.  “First of all, by retiring in the middle of the game, he missed out on the best part of retiring which is sending cryptic text messages to ESPN and Sports Illustrated so they can speculate for weeks about your retirement status. And he was far too quick to renege on his retirement. It was just really sloppy, and that’s where I hope my expertise can help.”

While Zambrano spends 30 days on the disqualified list, he plans to go over an intensive lesson plan with the former Packers, Jets and Vikings quarterback that will include lessons on oddly open-ended language to use in retirement press conferences, how to make the media cover you every day while you make your final decision, and how to make your coach pick you up from the airport while news choppers follow above.

Zambrano expressed excitement at the chance to work with the legendary football star.

“I learned that retiring and then saying I’m not retired, is not as easy as I thought it would be,” said Zambrano. “I welcome the chance to learn from one of the greatest professional flip-floppers of all time and hopefully it’ll be reflected in my ambiguous retirement announcement this off-season.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith