Eli Manning set the football world ablaze Tuesday when he confidently announced he was in the same “class” as Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.
“I was misquoted,” claimed the normally shy Manning. “I’m actually a class above Tom Brady.”
Manning went on to explain his theory that simply beating another quarterback in a Super Bowl propels you above him for life.
“Yea, I’ve been above Tom since 2007,” he added. “Throw your stats away; they’re irrelevant. I’m better than him.”
It’s tough to accept Manning’s theory and just pretend the stats don’t exist. Last season, Manning threw for more yards than Brady, but had 5 fewer touchdowns and a whopping 21 more interceptions. A recent poll on NFL quarterbacks saw Brady land in the number one spot, while Eli ranked fifteenth.
“He’s just trying to fire up that depleted team I guess,” said Tom Brady from a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean. “Using Eli’s theorem, I’m better than Peyton, so does that make Eli better than his brother?”
“Yup,” answered Eli while stuck in traffic on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway. “I’m better than every player Tom has ever beat in the playoffs that didn’t then turn around and beat me.”
Confusing as it may sound, you can’t be mad at Manning’s newfound fortitude. He comes into the season headlining a new look team and is more than likely trash-talking to get his teammates ready for the tough road ahead. Some say he is maturing and officially accepting the role of team leader, while others think he’s lost his mind.
“All that Oreo cream must have rotted his brain,” said disgruntled defensive end, Osi Umenyiora. “I can’t wait to get off this sinking ship of a team … and I’m underpaid. Quote me on that. Make sure you get the underpaid part.”