Even though he’s in jail awaiting trial on drug and grand theft auto charges, things are looking up for baseball-player-turned-financial-consultant Lenny Dykstra. The former outfielder recently announced he landed a big client: Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, whose team is currently in MLB conservatorship.

“Frank and me, we got a good understanding of each other’s problems: Too many greedy mother [expletive deleted] out there trying to take from us what’s ours,” Dykstra said in his characteristic mumble. “We, you know, connect on that level. Also, like the Catholic Church, we’ve never made any mistakes.”

McCourt said his relationship with Dykstra is already paying dividends.

“Nails is a financial genius. I know because that Jim Cramer guy on Mad Money said so,” McCourt explained. “Lenny’s already given me some great business tips, such as tearing the copper wiring and pipes out of Dodger Stadium and selling them for scrap. He’s also taught me about creditor-avoidance tactics and the importance of having big wads of cash on you at all times. I can’t wait until he shows me how to hide my expenses on drugs and hookers in my not-for-profit foundation fund.”

By Brian Summerfield

Brian Summerfield