As Aramis Ramirez took a baseball to the face requiring stitches in the June 1st loss to the Houston Astros, his name was added to a list of unfortunate or freak injuries to befall Cubs players that management is attributing to a Gypsy woman the team slighted during a Spring Training game.
Coming on the heels of Alfonso Soriano, Reed Johnson, Matt Garza, and Marlon Byrd all being placed on the Disabled List in the previous 10 days, Ramirez’s injury falls in line with the bizarre pattern of injuries that have been occurring ever since a mysterious Gypsy woman claimed to curse the Cubs for insulting her. The Gypsy was last seen casting a hex upon the team, promising, “Pain and suffering for an entire season, especially to starting pitchers,” after members of the team laughed at her and called the trinkets she was trying to sell them, “stupid.”
Team officials have played down the effect of the Gypsy woman’s curse, insisting the injuries have all been minor, and the team should be healthy in time to make a strong push in the National League Central.
Manager Mike Quade, whose hands were mysteriously covered in warts, addressed reporters regarding the Gypsy curse by saying, “There is no curse, so please stop mentioning it, because the more you talk about the Gypsy woman the madder she gets.”
Quade then shot down rumors that GM Jim Hendry had turned into a toad, pointing out he has always looked like that, before he was suddenly struck mute by supernatural forces and forced to end the press conference.
By Jeff GoodSmith