Outspoken Vikings owner Zygi Wilf was pleased to report the current labor strife hasn’t dampened excitement for the NFL’s annual Springtime Yacht Gala, during which players and owners form a veritable armada of multi-million dollar yachts in Chesapeake Bay.
“I was worried some of the players weren’t going to show up this year because of all the talk about them being cash-strapped,” said Wilf. “But it turns out their giant signing bonuses and outrageous salaries were enough to keep them owning yachts despite this short work stoppage.”
The players agreed, saying they were glad the lost revenues didn’t force any of the owners to sell their yachts.
“I mean, sure, it’s all about the game,” said receiver Chad Ochocinco. “But really it’s about the yachts. Every spring we get together and share stories about things most normal humans will never understand. Like diamond-tipped toothbrushes and how to gold-plate your TV. Stuff like that.”
The annual gala is a chance for players and owners to see how the other half lives, strengthening the bond between employer and employee.
“Zygi has a bowling alley on his yacht, but I have a basketball court on mine,” said Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. “Weird, huh? We’re so different. Maybe that’s why we can’t agree on a contract.”
Just about the only person who wasn’t happy with the event was Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
“Both my yachts are in the shop,” he said. “Between that and this whole lockout thing, it’s been a really tough year. Don’t let the Botox fool you. I’m dying inside.”
By George Ellis. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte