The Cubs organization and ineptitude have gone hand-in-hand for over a century, but the team hit a new low on Tuesday night, committing four errors leading to all seven Reds’ runs as the Cubs fell 7-5 in Cincinnati. This most recent circus-like performance finally prompted owner Tom Ricketts to take action.

After the game, Ricketts replaced player names and numbers on the backs of their jerseys with the Chico’s Bail Bonds logo that was made infamous in the movie the Bad News Bears. In addition, Ricketts signed several actors from the 1976 film to immediately replace underperforming Cub players on the active roster.

“I’m not sure if Chico’s Bail Bonds is a real company, but I’m not one to pass up a potential new revenue source,” said Ricketts. “I am also contemplating changing our team colors from red and blue to yellow and white with ‘Bad News’ stitched across the front. This is awful!”

Taking the spots of recently demoted Tyler Colvin and Marcos Mateo are Bears’ characters Timmy Lupus and Rudi Stein. In addition, the fat catcher Engelberg was signed as the team’s new bench coach to sit on manager Mike Quade every time he has the urge to insert Koyie Hill into the lineup. Ricketts was unable to find Ahmad Abdul Rahim, who he had hoped would replace Alfonso Soriano in the outfield.

By Jeremy Barewin

Jeremy Barewin