With their number one goalie shell-shocked and backup injured, the Canucks have decided to go sans netminder for the series-deciding game against the Blackhawks Tuesday night in Vancouver.

“We’ve decided our only option is to pull our goalie and go with six attackers,” said Canucks coach Alain Vigneault. “[Backup Cory] Schneider is hobbling and [starter Roberto] Luongo is a nervous wreck. We’ve got no choice.”

Schneider was filling in admirably for a Luongo until leaving the game with a leg injury that appeared so severe it might require amputation. However, Vigneault claims it was merely cramps. And on the verge of a colossal playoff collapse, the Canucks can’t risk putting Luongo back out there.

“No, of course there’s no way Schneider will be able to go Tuesday, but we can’t let poor Roberto know that yet,” said Vigneault. “It’ll kill the guy. He’s already walking around with the spaghetti legs, and now his career’s over, so why put him through the misery of pretending he’s still mentally capable of playing goalie in the NHL?”