The latest bombshell WikiLeaks release revealed the CIA regularly uses the Steve Goodman anthem “Go Cubs Go” to torture suspected terrorists. In a leaked cable sent from CIA director Leon Panetta to Guantanamo Bay superiors, Panetta describes what’s internally being called the “Goodman Initiative.”
“Proceed with the Goodman Initiative on more difficult suspects,” wrote Panetta in the top secret cable. “To wit, place suspect in a windowless, seven by seven-foot room and play “Go, Cubs Go” on repeat. Suspects, on average, plead for mercy within 20 minutes. Ignore their requests for more humane methods such as waterboarding or sleep deprivation. Suspects will undoubtedly compromise by revealing pertinent intelligence information.”
The Goodman Initiative has been so effective that U.S. government analysts predict an end to terrorism by 2015. If utilized by governments around the globe, world peace is attainable by 2025. Still, human rights activists are up-in-arms over the torture device.
“We strongly disagree with any CIA tactic that is cruel and unusual,” said a spokesman for human rights activist group Amnesty International. “Nothing is more cruel and unusual than ‘Go Cubs Go.’ The combination of insufferable fanbase imagery, the team’s history of losing and the song’s nauseating chorus is terribly inhumane. It is a violation of basic human rights. Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ is a leisurely classical waltz in comparison.”