In the hazy desert fog on Indian School Road in Phoenix former White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye could be spotted at a sparsely populated bus station holding a sign proposing to “Crush Towering Homeruns for Food.”

No longer on the Sox roster with his limited skill set, it’s unclear how Dye’s ability to hit long fly balls offers any value to the unemployment workforce in the real world. Dye explained just how versatile he can be with his talents.

“As a source of entertainment, I can hit all kinds of things hard with a bat,” said Dye. “I have hit roadkill, old shoes and food items. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen me hit a canned ham with homerun power. It’s explosive, hilarious, and all around just a good time.”

Former South Side closer Bobby Jenks confirmed Dye’s rare talents.

“One time at the Leg Room in Chicago we dared him to hit the champagne holder at our table with his bat he carries everywhere,” said Jenks. “It was amazing! That heavy silver stand flew on a line shot and knocked out the bus boy… hilarious.”

Dye said he would be more than welcome to knock out other bus boys for the right price.

By Andy Landgrebe. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Andy Landgrebe