With Super Bowl XLV fewer than two weeks away, Jerry Jones announced the cancellation of the season’s most important game scheduled at the newly constructed Cowboys Stadium, leaving the NFL in a panic to relocate the contest to another venue.

“What the hell do you think is my reason?” asked Jones. “It’s simple. No Cowboys, no Super Bowl. Do you want me to spell it out for you?”

Jones revealed his elaborate plans for Super Bowl Sunday, which include a bull riding tournament, face painting, and rodeo clown competition for fans in attendance at Dallas Stadium that day. He also acknowledged rumors that Michael Bolton would sing the National Anthem in place of Christina Aguilera to kick off the festivities.

“We’re going to give these fans an experience they’ll never forget,” said Jones with tears in his eyes. “We’ve called in the best damn rodeo clowns in the world to let these fans know how much we appreciate their hard-earned money. Honestly, we really can’t afford anything else right now, either, so this is the best I can do.”

Also, $200 tickets were still available for fans that planned on viewing the Super Bowl from outside the stadium. Jones confirmed former Cowboys Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin were in charge of outdoor fan activities.

“We have all kinds of amazing games and events planned, because we’re Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin, baby. Awesome is the only word we know,” said Sanders, winking to the media. “We’re going to have amoeba races, blindfold Marco Polo dodgeball, bucket balance and field noodle hockey. What more can fans ask for?”

By Morgann Spicer

Morgann Spicer