After a breakthrough 2010, Cubs closer Carlos Marmol has decided to retire from his offseason dart league, a move lauded by nervous opponents and spectators. Marmol set an unofficial record for fastest recorded speed of a dart in the league, topping out at 100 mph. His record for the season was nine wins, three losses, and 23 wins by forfeiture after his errant throws caused many injuries.

The Dominican-born hurler plans to send flowers to the victims.

Marmol’s first game of Cricket featured 23 bullseyes, and a 328-17 final score. League officials called it a slaughter, both because of the high score, and also because of the 21 bar patrons who were sent to the emergency room with serious wounds from Marmol’s tosses. A league rule was soon implemented stating that only referees and the opposing player would be allowed in the bar while Marmol competed. In his very next game, Marmol maimed four different referees before the opponent ran out screaming, “so much blood!” and Marmol won by forfeiture.

“I was very proud of my performance, but, again, really sorry about all the victims,” said Marmol. “My bad.”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith