Nick Boynton has had one hell of a season, from getting his supposed girlfriend booted off Comcast, to injuring star winger Marian Hossa during practice, to racking up plenty of game-changing assists for opposing teams. The bad fortune has even followed the Hawks defenseman to his current seat on the bench.

“Boy, what a downer he’s been this season, eh?” said official scorer Don Vosicky. “I gave Boynton a minus-1 on the scoresheet just for being in the building. Then he actually stepped out onto the ice during game play, tripping-up Niklas Hjalmarsson and leading to an opposing goal. He apparently got lost on his way to the concessions.”

The plus/minus rating in hockey is usually a good measure of a player’s value to a team in terms of goals scored for and against while he’s on the ice. But since Boynton has become a detriment to the entire city of Chicago, his rating is taking hits wherever he goes.

Hockey scorekeepers around the country are looking into the whereabouts of Nick Boynton when NBC execs went with Leno over Conan, when LeBron James televised “The Decision,” and a special task force is determining whether he has been in Cubs GM Jim Hendry’s office at any point during this past winter.

It is rumored that Boynton’s now-famous through-the-crease passing was the sole catalyst behind former-goalie Antti Niemi wanting an enormous amount of money to remain with the team.

“Niemi says NO to boneheaded defenders,” Niemi’s agent commented.

By Dan Bradley

Bandwagon Dan