Riding the coattails of the sudden popularity of the Homeless Man with the Golden Voice, Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts announced Thursday that, although the organization is still searching for a replacement for Ron Santo, they have narrowed the field to only the homeless.

“It has recently come to our attention that the public loves to hear homeless people speak,” said Ricketts. “For years the Cubs have been spending time and effort to clean up the area around Wrigley and eliminate panhandlers. We now know we’ve been going at this all wrong.”

While the thousands of Chicagoland homeless welcomed the decision to allow one of the city’s most downtrodden to join Pat Hughes in a high-profile position, the club’s most famous vagabond will apparently not be considered.

“They … WOO! … told me … WOO! … not to apply,” said Ronnie “Woo-Woo” Wickers.