Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter recently won his fifth Gold Glove award, but the aging veteran still hasn’t made his way to the phone in time to hear the news.

“It’s all the way over on the kitchen table,” he said, slowly rising from the couch in a feeble attempt to reach his cell phone before the caller hangs up – again. “That’s like five feet away. It’s too bad [Yankees second baseman Robinson] Cano isn’t here to help me out. He’s always retrieving things I can’t get to.”

The announcement of Jeter’s latest accolade was met with harsh criticism by fans and baseball journalists alike, who claim the 36-year-old is a below average fielder with a weak arm and little to no range.

“Those people better watch their mouths,” said Jeter. “Especially if they come within like six inches of where I’m standing. Because I’ll most likely catch them, or at least dive and slow them down as they pass me by.”

Added Jeter: “Don’t they see I’m wearing the pinstripes? I’m guessing all those voters did.”

Heckler George