The Cubs today announced they would decide their next manager based the results of a mixed-martial arts bout between Ryne Sandberg and Mike Quade, the two favorites to land the job.

“I’ve been racking my brain for months about who to hire,” said GM Jim Hendry. “Do I go with the legendary, inexperienced guy everyone loves or the funny-looking coach who’s been around forever even though no one’s heard of him?”

Hendry said he found it to be an unanswerable question, so he felt a bare-knuckle, no-holds-barred fight between the two would be the best way to find a new skipper.

“When you’re the manager of the Cubs, every day can be like a punch in the face,” said Hendry. “So why not find out who’s best at actually taking punches to the face?”

Hendry said he had no insight or preference on who would win the bout, but assured Cubs fans of one thing.

“I just want everyone to know that no matter who wins this fight,” said Hendry, “they can be certain that our next manager will receive a long-term, bloated contract that will pay at least double the going rate for a Major League Baseball manager.”

From The Heckler’s Sept/Oct 2010 issue. Click here to subscribe!