With his rancid first season as team owner finally in the rearview mirror, Chairman Tom Ricketts has set some lofty goals for improving the organization in 2011. Shrugging off the notion of adding a power-hitting first baseman or a front-line starter to the team, Ricketts outlined his keys to a successful off-season in three words: “better cup holders.”

“We already provided state-of-the-art troughs for the guys and more stalls for the ladies,” said Ricketts. “Cup holders were next on my list. Any on-field player personnel decisions will have to wait until 2015 at the earliest.”

Some other high-priority enhancements include new drip trays for the soft drink machines, a fresh coat of yellow paint on the Wrigley foul poles, and a bronze statue of Yosh Kawano in the clubhouse.

But the cup holder situation has taken precedent.

“I want bigger, but my sister Laura wants deeper,” said Ricketts. “It has turned into a huge family debate. I really hope we can make a decision before Jim Hendry names Gary Varsho our new manager.”

From The Heckler’s Sept./Oct. issue by Jeremy Barewin