The tally: two scraped elbows and a bruised thumb. It doesn’t sound like much, but when it comes to the dorks in Chicago’s sports blogosphere, it’s as violent as it gets.

Witnesses said there was nothing especially violent about the blogger battle. One guy accidentally slammed his laptop on his own thumb while the other scraped his elbows after slipping on spilled coffee and falling to the floor.

“It was really quite pathetic,” said Dale Jefferson, head of mall security at Woodfield. “These losers are geeky computer pansies and that’s exactly how it looked when they fought with each other.”

The bloggers didn’t see it that way. To them, it’s an important battle over what they call, “typing turf.”

“Those clowns act like they invented the in-game discussion thread,” said Ryan Williams of, a sports blog celebrating the Cubs’ history of ineptitude. “But everyone who’s anyone in the blogosphere knows we were the first Cubs site to do that.”

The webmaster of Williams’ rival site didn’t see it that way.

“Williams is such a loser,” said Pat Snyder of “He’s just jealous because we have 30 registered users, which is like seven more than them.”

Peace between the warring bloggers was restored when both realized they shared a very high level of disdain for Cubs beat writers Paul Sullivan of the Chicago Tribune and the Sun-Times’ Gordon Wittenmyer, whom the bloggers agreed were “total hacks.”

From the March 2010 issue by Michael Kloempken.  Click here to subscribe today!