Tiger Woods shocked the sports world today by announcing that he has retired from the PGA and will attempt a new career in professional baseball. While many speculated that Woods would address his marital infidelities and sexual addiction during a morning announcement in front of friends, family and media members, he instead made no mention of the subjects and offered no apologies.

“Let me start by saying that I have signed a minor league contract with the Florida Marlins and will report to Spring Training tomorrow in Jupiter (Fla.),” said a stone-faced Woods. “I have nothing left to prove to the world of professional golf and hope to demonstrate my athletic prowess with a bat and glove.”

In addressing where has been over the last three months in which he has disappeared from the public eye, Woods read from a written statement.

“As a practicing Buddhist, I have done much soul searching during my time away,” he said. “It has become evident to me that my salvation lies in America’s pastime — the great game of baseball. But let me be clear, this is between me and the baseball, and nobody else.”

By Jeremy Barewin