Cubs fans, players, GM Jim Hendry, and even Milton Bradley himself rejoiced Friday when the ill-tempered outfielder was traded to Seattle. The only person not celebrating was Bradley’s longtime psychiatrist who feared the worst.

“We normally keep these matters between doctor and patient, but for the safety of all those living in the greater Seattle region, I highly advise moving far far away immediately,” said Weinstein. “It’s like unleashing a level-10 earthquake on an unsuspecting city. Milton Bradley under cloudy skies for an extended period of time may be catastrophic.” 

When told of his doctor’s comment, Bradley denied ever having received psychiatric treatment and claimed he would flourish in the Great Northwest.

“Oh yeah, it’s gonna rain café lattes when Milton comes to bat,” said Bradley, flashing his familiar hand puppet gesture he used during his few home runs trots with the Cubs in ’09. “I’ll prove to the fans that I can still hit .320, even in my straight jacket.”

 By Jeremy Barewin