In a surprise move, the Cubs made their first off-season acquisition by signing aging right-handed flamethrower Kenny Powers of the HBO series “Eastbound and Down” to an eight-year, $55 million deal.

“Kenny’s arm is just what we need,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “Anyone who watched the last episode of the season knows he got his pitch back tonight and can blow a fastball by anyone. We’re just lucky that scout from Tampa got fired right before they wrapped Kenny up.”

Powers’s unwavering confidence is apparent, even though this offer from the Cubs comes years after his last pitch in the majors.

“When my ass was 19, I changed the face of professional baseball,” said Powers. “I still throw the ball faster than [expletive deleted]. It doesn’t matter how [expletive deleted] old I am. I have a cannon attached to my body and I use it to throw heat right  by everyone. Pujols, Braun, Fielder—it don’t matter. You’re all [expletive deleted] out!”

“Of course they want to offer me millions of dollars,” said Powers. “Of course I’m going to accept that offer to pitch at Wrigley. You know how many [expletive deleted] bars are in that neighborhood? I’m going to be partying on the reg[ular], getting drunk on the reg[ular] and meeting chicks on the reg[ular].”

From the November 2009 issue by Tim Barb