The Cubs equipment management staff has been hard at work recently, as evidenced by the steel-plated Gatorade machine that debuted in the Wrigley Field dugout this weekend. The original Gatorade machine proved ill-equipped to handle the abuse to which it was subjected  so far this season, with both Ryan Dempster and Carlos Zambrano beating the machine mercilessly with baseball bats out of frustration, leaving the machine looking like a leaky country carnival soda pop dispenser.

Cubs personnel have installed a new Gatorade machine, fashioned with reinforced steel to combat the violent temper tantrums and hissy fits thrown its way during the rest of the season. Some Cubs have seen the move as pointless.

“There is no way steel plating is going to save that thing,” said Dempster. “I am going to beat it to a pulp. Count on it. It’s more of a challenge than anything.”

Manager Lou Piniella was concerned for the safety of the new machine, and for the sanity of his staff ace.

“Zambrano has been sizing up the new machine like he wants a piece of it,” said Piniella. “We’ve been checking his locker for explosives, as our biggest fear is that he may try to blow it up.”

From the June 2009 issue by Andy Landgrebe