White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen always looks forward to facing the Cubs this time of year. The crosstown matchups not only re-fuel his bitter rivalry, but give him incentive to berate his North Side adversaries.

This season, Guillen has taken his resentment a step further by conducting a class on verbally abusing the Cubs and Wrigley Field. The weeklong seminar is being held at the Joliet Econo Lodge.

“I started by flashing my championship ring and telling funny stories about urinating all over that crappy Wrigley Field clubhouse,” said Guillen, the self-proclaimed Professor of Insultology. “By the end of the week, my players will all know what it takes to humiliate those Wrigleyville losers.”

Syllabus subjects to be covered during the seminar include “Give Up. You’re Cursed,” “When’s The Last Time YOUR Team Won A World Series?” and “Your Stadium Is Older Than My Gassy Grandma. And it smells worse too.” A South Side Slurring certificate is awarded upon successfully completing the final exam.

“The test is a combination of multiple choice and essay,” said Guillen. “Extra credit can also be earned by creatively referring to Piniella as old and fat.”

From the June 2009 issue by Brian Berns