While the Cowboys may not have a squeaky-clean image, at least the team had the cleanest undergarments in the NFL.

“Man, everyone was chafed,” said a player, whose name is being withheld. “It was hard to walk anywhere toward the end of the season, that’s why we were late taking off for five of our eight road games.”

Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens was chafing so badly that he couldn’t run or walk normally, sources reported. They said that is why Owens was late for meetings during the week and missing sure catches on Sunday.

One source said that owner/GM Jerry Jones bought a large supply of a laundry detergent that was on the NFL’s banned list. Instead of taking the soap back, Jones, citing lack of capital because of playoff losses, instructed the equipment men to use it.

“Man it was bad,” one lockerroom attendant said describing the players reaction to the soap. “And it didn’t help he went away from Under Armour and started using cotton undergarments for the players.”

One player said the team quit warming up early not only because they couldn’t stand the clothes against their skin, they couldn’t take the ridicule of their opponents.

“It was like high school,” he said. “They made fun of us because our team couldn’t afford to buy the good kind of clothes.”

heckler editorial staff