MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced Friday the creation of a new Department of Investigations and on Monday handed out 30-game suspensions to several players, including Cubs pitchers Jason Marquis and Ryan Dempster. The Department is primarily responsible for conducting all investigations into violations of MLB’s rules and policies, including investigations related to the use, possession or distribution of performance-enhancing substances by Major League or Minor League players, and other threats to the integrity of the game.

While neither Marquis nor Dempster tested positive for performance-enhancing substances, their suspensions fall under MLB’s “threat to the integrity of the game” clause.

“We did a thorough investigation over the last three seasons,” said Commissioner Selig. “We have found that Jason and Ryan are both fine upstanding citizens, but they violate the integrity of the game under the PPP Clause, which refers to ‘Putrid Pitching Performance.'”

Cubs’ management was elated to hear the news of the suspensions.

“I made a couple of horrible decisions by signing Dempster and Marquis to lucrative contracts,” said GM Jim Hendry. “It’s nice for MLB to fix the mistakes that I’ve made, at least for the time being, until we find a way to pawn them off on the Pittsburgh Pirates.”

Other Cubs placed on MLB’s “watch” list include Ronny Cedeno and Felix Pie, who do not yet qualify for suspensions because of their limited number of big league at-bats.

By Jeremy Barewin