Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren should be paying attention to his team’s marquee match up with the Bears this weekend, but he’s instead focused on his on-going paternity suit. Holmgren’s legal parents, Barbara and Lincoln, are in a custody battle over the coach with an Alaskan Walrus, named Wally.

The suit was brought forth after Wally saw Holmgren on TV coaching the Seahawks against the New York Giants on Sunday.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Wally the Walrus said. “There was my baby boy that I fathered more than 50 years ago. It was always his dream to coach. I started to tear up. I had thought I lost him forever.”

Wally dismissed naysayer’s who have questioned whether a walrus could father a human.

“I can understand the questions but our resemblance to one another is uncanny. We both have mustaches and weigh more than 1,000 pounds. I can prove that I’m Mike’s father. I have photographs from the day he was born and from his first Christmas. I’m willing to do whatever the courts ask of me.”

heckler editorial staff