Marriage rates plummet as Cubs fans utilize ‘Epstein Theory’ to obtain younger talent
by Manny L. Scoreboard
on Dec 12, 2012
Marriage is a serious commitment — a partnership in which two parties grow old together and sink countless hours and resources into building a life together. Which is exactly why several Chicago area males have decided to forgo the process.
Mitch Johnson of Naperville had been dating his long-time girfriend, Brittany Stevenson, for seven years. Tthis winter, he decided to end the relationship.
“You know, I really appreciate what Brit has done for us. But this oranization is trying to get younger,” he said. “I see a lot of talent out there that will cost me a lot less and offer more years of control. Brittany wants a ring. She’s earned a ring. But 32 years and up is not where I’m looking to make long term commitments. There’s a promising young free agent market out there. Take Robin McCall over there. She’s 22 and willing to settle for a Batman movie and a night at Dave and Busters for at least five years. That’s the direction we’re going to have to head.”
Johnson isn’t alone. His friend, Brett Carroll, recently traded his long-time girlfriend for the chance to date twins.
“To me, it was a no-brainer,” Carroll said. “My gal was in her prime. I mean beautiful. But I believe she’s at her peak, and it was time to make a decision. Long-term commitment for the back-end of her golden years, or try to move her to a guy contending for a marriage due to familial pressure in exchange for a chance to get younger. I opted for the second choice, and now I’ve got two promising prospects.”
Epstein couldn’t be reached for comment, as his agent reported he has gone into hiding after receiving at least three death threats from various female callers.