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Witnesses at the high-end restaurant where the engagement occurred told media outlets that it was "sweet" and that when she said yes, everyone in the establishment broke into spontaneous applause, with only a few instances of diners wearing large novelty foam cheeseheads shouting things like, "His head clearly isn't in the game anymore" and "He hasn't been the same Rodgers since he shacked up with that Newsroom chick."

Just as suddenly as the Super Fans finished counting Mini-Ditkas and fell asleep, five million sports fans in the greater Chicago area awoke suddenly to a great disturbance in the Force. It was as if two life forces had been simultaneously snuffed out by the dark side.

"Should this vile media be released, we will find no recourse but to enact swift, powerful justice upon those responsible," Raiders owner and supreme leader Mark Davis said in a team-issued statement lambasting the potential release of 2014 Raiders games to a national audience. "Such an act of defamation will not be met idly."

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the West’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.

"Goats are notoriously fickle animals," he said. "They'll climb fences, plot escapes and, of course, place hexes on professional sports teams. Well, the other day, Lilo was just grazing on some grass when he looked up and said, 'the Cubs curse is over, starting next year.' I nearly soiled myself!"

“Sabermetics. It’s now. It’s the future. It’s even beyond the future," declared GM Jed Hoyer. “Our computers are working overtime to uncover nuggets like Justin.”

As a result, all of the Jaguars remaining games have been canceled and their opponents granted a win in the standings (since they would have won anyway).