NFL owners have become so fed up with sharing their revenue with the incompetent Jacksonville Jaguars franchise, they have voted to stop funding the team immediately. The vote was 31-1, with Jaguars owner Shahid Kahn being the lone naysayer. Because the revenue sharing money is the only income the team actually has, it has been forced to shut down operations immediately and barriers have been put up around EverBank Field.

After achieving mild success in its first decade of existence, the Jaguars have fallen on hard times and barely resemble an actual NFL team. Unable to sell out home games, most of their games have local blackouts and the TV stations that do show the games actually apologize for it. Not even the advent of the new effeminate Jaguar logo and multicolored helmets have triggered sales in the team’s pro shop. This embarrassment to the league has left fellow owners no choice but to stop keeping the team afloat.

“I love money,” Cowboys owner Jerry Jones unsurprisingly shared. “And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s sharing my money with those who need it to stay alive. But this silly collective bargaining agreement forced us to have to share with those bottom-feeding Jaguars. So I rallied all the other owners to gang up and put a stop to this! I could put that sweet cash to better use building a statue of myself at fantastic AT&T stadium!”

As a result, all of the Jaguars remaining games have been canceled and their opponents granted a win in the standings (since they would have won anyway). Every employee of the Jaguars organization has been put on unpaid furlough except for Khan, who keeps collecting his same fat paycheck. The 10 fans who actually own season tickets are fed up with the team and demand a refund, but one isn’t coming. Team mascot Jaxon de Ville was seen crying in the shadows of the stadium, unable to enter his favorite hangout.

Khan was unwilling to return reporters’ calls to comment on the matter. His PR staff sent an e-mail saying “Mr. Khan is busy right now figuring out who to blame for this mess instead of actually trying to get his team back in business. We apologize for any inconvenience to our legions of fans.”

Trailer Park Charlie